Here's how it works: You have a dream. You have a dream that the singing you do in the shower may just be good enough to take you to the top of the charts! You don't know how to get started in the music business so you hit up the local karaoke Mecca and your vocal efforts are rewarded with cheers and applause and you suddenly know that you have what it takes. Where do you go from here? The A'n'R men aren't beating down your door and Madonna hasn't approached you about that all-important support slot...
You head for the X-Factor auditions, wait with the huddled deluded masses, stand in front of a judging panel and, after a brief interview in which you compare yourself to Justin Timberlake, you expel every ounce of emotion in your body through your vocal chords.
It's the best you have ever sounded, you have made that song sound so good that it was probably written especially for your talents. And now you stand awaiting the judgement that will make or break you, your heart beating like a pneumatic drill and, as each judgement comes, you feel crushed and confused - how could the man behind "Mr Blobby" possibly be asking you if this was a joke?
The truth my friend?
You are awful and you are probably mentally ill. Those weren't the cheers of an adoring crowd you were hearing, oh no, those were mocking howls of derision. And what of your dreams? Well, dreams make particularly good TV when they are crushed and not when they are triumphantly realised.
The world loves to mock nutters and then, because of the misguided belief that they have some kind of emotional investment in the process, they go on to elect the next performer of the Christmas No 1. Chances are you may never even hear of these "Emperor's new vocalists" again but at least your vote counted eh? Here's an idea - try getting up off your fat judgemental arses and vote in a meaningful election from time to time, your vote will truly count then!
My theory is that ITV hate Christmas with the kind of intensity that only a pre-spectral visitation Scrooge could muster. Remember all those old Christmas classics like Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody"? They are nothing but a lingering memory of a melodic Yuletide freedom which the new music despots are trying to crush.
Viewers of the word unite! Together we can crush this musical fascism and work towards a brighter future based on musicians who have actually worked hard to achieve their position! A world where you must do more than simply turn up to a nonsensical clusterfuck and sing slightly better than the deluded losers around you to go through to the next round!
If you're thinking of auditioning for next year here's what you should do: See a mental health specialist, see a voice coach and then, if you are still determined that you have what it takes, join a band and practise until your fan-base can fill a decent sized venue by themselves. Therein lies a feast of musical fulfilment and not the shameful Pot Noodle after-taste of a TV based popularity contest.
If you find yourself staring down the double-barrel of the final and you really hate yourself why not take some time to watch the worst of the auditionees in their "laugh at them LAUGH AT THE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED MENTAL CASES" comedy number. If you find yourself laughing then please feel free to kill yourself, you are after all as grounded a human being as Hitler. Why not go the whole hog and just demand that the judges operate on the unfortunates? Who knows, you may even discover the cure for talent.
So yeah, not a fan really.
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