Pillars of the Earth

Watch Pillars of the Earth. (Channel 4, Saturdays @9pm and 4od)

Do it

Go on

Lions and Tigers but surprisingly few bears, oh my!

Last night saw the first airing of the Channel 4/National Geographic documentary series "Alone in the Wild".

The premiss is a simple but potentially brilliant one: One man gets dropped in the Yukon Wilderness with some basic rations and equipment and has to survive for 3 months on his own. Will he survive? Will he stay sane? Will his life change forever? Seriously... I'm not that bothered...

I quite fancy a break away from everything for a while, you know, just me; a tent; my thoughts; maybe some basic rations and a decent supply of cash to spend in the local food and alcohol emporium. Who knows maybe I'll get all extravagant and shell out on some insect repellent - you know what the countryside can be like for us city types. How would I manage without my usual creature comforts? How would the lack of conversation affect me? How long could I last like that? What would my limits be? What if I ran out of pants?

It was with some interest then that I viewed the trailers for this show. Here was a man who, by choice, was willing to be dropped in the Yukon and left alone for 3 months. Clearly this guy didn't think a couple of weeks in Gloucestershire would suffice. But therein lies the problem. Throughout all of his trials and tribulations, his plaintiff cries of anguish and his downward spiral into madness and starvation I couldn't empathise at all. I couldn't shake the idea that I would have a much deeper emotional involvement if he'd fallen out of a plane and found himself in this position. The show went sort of like this for me:

"There could be bears out there which is why I have a shotgun and an electric fence"

- Your choice mate

"I just can't seem to catch any food, there are no rabbits or salmon anywhere"

- Yeah, your choice mate

"This is the hardest thing I've ever done"

- Well, you could have avoided the whole thing to be honest

"I've lost nearly 2 stone in the last month, my clothes don't fit and I'm too weak to move"

- Well, probably shouldn't have gone then eh?

"I can't talk to the camera without crying"

- Stop artistically filming yourself skinny dipping and hunt for food then you knobhead

There were a couple of things that made me wince though. At one stage he mentions that he can no longer concentrate and that he has Queen lyrics looping in his head - harsh punishment indeed. Couple this with the shots of him literally dragging his sorry arse out of his local swimming lake and the primal screams of frustration that he emits on a seemingly random basis and things are looking bleak for our hero.

According to the obligatory "on next weeks show" it looks like things pick up for him and if that is the case there'll be even less reason to watch. Surely at that point they should change the name to "What I Did On My Holidays by Ed Wardle"

Alone in the Wild (channel 4 Thursday 9pm and 4OD)

Failed Pitches 5

Mock the Weak

In which some of the larger comedians (Dara O'Briain and Greg Davies for example) torment the other smaller, disabled or different looking comedians until one of them snaps and either commits suicide or brings in weapons and shoots anything that moves. Frankie Boyle will of course act as the weaselly comedian who has somehow avoided the mocking and got in with the bigger boys. He can be found shouting deeply nasty things from his position of safety and running away at the merest hint of trouble.

Sample dialogue: "You're shit and you know you are"
Lucy Porter - That's so hurtful and correct *sob*

Failed Pitches 4

Louis Theroux's Normal Weekend

In which our "Where's Wally" lookalike hero bums around his house; goes for a kickabout with his mates down the park; has a few too many drinks and sends drunken texts to his ex-girlfriend pleading that he "can change, please just give me one more chance..."*

Sample Dialogue: Seriously man I really mean it, you're my best mate and I love you. You've always been there for me and I love you for that.

- Sorry mate, we've never met before... Aren't you that bloke off the telly?

*May not be representative of a normal weekend for Mr Theroux - he's buggered up enough of mine by being the only semi-decent thing on TV though so who cares?

Failed Pitches 3

Gash In The Attic

In which members of the public, ably assisted by an expert in the field, convert their collection of dog-eared and well used "gentlemen's magazines" into cash so that they can finally go on that romantic holiday to Blackpool they've always dreamed of.

Sample Dialogue: And how long has this Razzle been in the family?
-I can't remember exactly but when I found it in the woods hardly any of the pages were stuck together.

See also Bargain Cunt

Britain Loves Nutters

So the X-Factor has returned and this year, just like each previous series, I won't be watching.

Here's how it works: You have a dream. You have a dream that the singing you do in the shower may just be good enough to take you to the top of the charts! You don't know how to get started in the music business so you hit up the local karaoke Mecca and your vocal efforts are rewarded with cheers and applause and you suddenly know that you have what it takes. Where do you go from here? The A'n'R men aren't beating down your door and Madonna hasn't approached you about that all-important support slot...

You head for the X-Factor auditions, wait with the huddled deluded masses, stand in front of a judging panel and, after a brief interview in which you compare yourself to Justin Timberlake, you expel every ounce of emotion in your body through your vocal chords.

It's the best you have ever sounded, you have made that song sound so good that it was probably written especially for your talents. And now you stand awaiting the judgement that will make or break you, your heart beating like a pneumatic drill and, as each judgement comes, you feel crushed and confused - how could the man behind "Mr Blobby" possibly be asking you if this was a joke?

The truth my friend?

You are awful and you are probably mentally ill. Those weren't the cheers of an adoring crowd you were hearing, oh no, those were mocking howls of derision. And what of your dreams? Well, dreams make particularly good TV when they are crushed and not when they are triumphantly realised.

The world loves to mock nutters and then, because of the misguided belief that they have some kind of emotional investment in the process, they go on to elect the next performer of the Christmas No 1. Chances are you may never even hear of these "Emperor's new vocalists" again but at least your vote counted eh? Here's an idea - try getting up off your fat judgemental arses and vote in a meaningful election from time to time, your vote will truly count then!

My theory is that ITV hate Christmas with the kind of intensity that only a pre-spectral visitation Scrooge could muster. Remember all those old Christmas classics like Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody"? They are nothing but a lingering memory of a melodic Yuletide freedom which the new music despots are trying to crush.

Viewers of the word unite! Together we can crush this musical fascism and work towards a brighter future based on musicians who have actually worked hard to achieve their position! A world where you must do more than simply turn up to a nonsensical clusterfuck and sing slightly better than the deluded losers around you to go through to the next round!

If you're thinking of auditioning for next year here's what you should do: See a mental health specialist, see a voice coach and then, if you are still determined that you have what it takes, join a band and practise until your fan-base can fill a decent sized venue by themselves. Therein lies a feast of musical fulfilment and not the shameful Pot Noodle after-taste of a TV based popularity contest.

If you find yourself staring down the double-barrel of the final and you really hate yourself why not take some time to watch the worst of the auditionees in their "laugh at them LAUGH AT THE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED MENTAL CASES" comedy number. If you find yourself laughing then please feel free to kill yourself, you are after all as grounded a human being as Hitler. Why not go the whole hog and just demand that the judges operate on the unfortunates? Who knows, you may even discover the cure for talent.

So yeah, not a fan really.

Failed Pitches 2

Gordon Ramsay's Kitsch Nightmare

In which the wrinkly faced swear-machine is dressed in leopard skin, has his head forced into a barrel of Pina Colada and then becomes the sex toy of the entire cast of Hairspray, the B52s, Gok Wan and John Waters... And then has to eat a Pot Noodle.

Sample dialogue: Oh fuck me! Pina Colada and Pot Noodle is just not a good combination for this kind of fucking restaurant big boy. Fucks sake!